Do you put up walls?
If you could see the walls in my heart they might look a little like this:
Walls of excuses– We’re just so busy. We’d love to (insert social activity here) but we have something that night. I need to work.
Excuses. And yeah, I am busy. And yeah, I need to work. But mostly, mostly I’m just scared.
Because I don’t trust anymore.
And over time, that emotional wall- instead of crumbling and breaking down- got thicker, stronger, and more resilient.
I told God I just needed closure. And when I got closure, I’d start praying more. I’d be more social. I’d pursue friendships in the church again.
And closure hasn’t come. And the hurt nags. And I walk further from God because it is too painful to work through it all.
And then I get angry because I feel like I deserve closure.
But what if the closure never comes? Am I willing to waste the hope, the promise of what could be…
Am I willing to sacrifice the friendships I could have if I am willing to let it go… to let go of the past?
Maybe closure comes in opening a new door. Maybe closure isn’t something concrete, and by moving forward, I can step so far away from the past that it doesn’t haunt me anymore.
So I’m letting go of my need for closure. I still want it. But I have to make this conscious choice to let go. Because I have a feeling that the rewards will be worth it.