Do you put up walls?
I do.
If you could see the walls in my heart they might look a little like this:
Walls of excuses– We’re just so busy. We’d love to (insert social activity here) but we have something that night. I need to work.
Excuses. And yeah, I am busy. And yeah, I need to work. But mostly, mostly I’m just scared.
Because I don’t trust anymore.
And over time, that emotional wall- instead of crumbling and breaking down- got thicker, stronger, and more resilient.
I told God I just needed closure. And when I got closure, I’d start praying more. I’d be more social. I’d pursue friendships in the church again.
And closure hasn’t come. And the hurt nags. And I walk further from God because it is too painful to work through it all.
And then I get angry because I feel like I deserve closure.
But what if the closure never comes? Am I willing to waste the hope, the promise of what could be…
Am I willing to sacrifice the friendships I could have if I am willing to let it go… to let go of the past?
Maybe closure comes in opening a new door. Maybe closure isn’t something concrete, and by moving forward, I can step so far away from the past that it doesn’t haunt me anymore.
So I’m letting go of my need for closure. I still want it. But I have to make this conscious choice to let go. Because I have a feeling that the rewards will be worth it.
Just to let you know I’m thinking and praying for you and your family! You are such a good person-others will see that.
Praying for you. <3
Closure isn’t something that happens to you it’s a choice you make to set the past behind you.
Philippians 3:12-14
New International Version (NIV)
12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
Sometimes God gently removes things from our lives and sometimes it’s a fiery refining. Trust that He knows what He’s doing and that in the end you’ll look back and see the wisdom in His actions. Keep on pressin’ on my sistah!!
Kim – I think we’ve all been burned, maybe it was by a church or someone in a church, maybe it was a friend or family member outside of the church. Ultimately, no one is immune to the emotional turmoil that this life brings. It’s what we do with the trial that matters. After going through our own seemingly betrayal of those who we held as our dearest friends in the church (and after a few years, and much prayer, our relationship has been restored and our hearts healed) I read an excellent book. I was harboring bitterness and holding on to the anger. I felt justified in doing so because of the great hurt I felt. I vowed to never speak with this couple again, to never become close to anyone again, etc. Of course this affected my spiritual walk since it’s tough to really seek God when one has such feelings. Then I read a book that dealt with the one thing that satan wanted me to do…hold on to that bitterness and anger because that kept me from Christ. Boy that really hit home. I was going just what the devil wanted so he could start to drive a wedge between me and good Christian friends. I wouldn’t say that I felt instantly better but the walls started to come down when I realized what I was doing and who it was pleasing. God brought another couple into our lives, who provided much encouragement and reminded me that Christ has forgiven me so much, can I not be willing to forgive others who suffer with their own remaining sin. We’re all different and we all struggle with different things. While I don’t think I would react the way our friends did, I’m sure I sin in ways that they wouldn’t. At the end of the day I’m not responsible for how anyone else behaves, I’m only responsible for myself, I don’t need to worry about anyone else. God will work in their lives as He intended. We just read through II Cor. 12 last night and I was again reminded that His grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in weakness. Hang in there girlfriend! Seek Christ, you’ll never be disappointed!! XXOO
You know you’ve been in my prayers.
Thanks for opening up. It’s hard to admit weaknesses (well, it is for me) but so often that’s when the healing can come.
You always amaze me with your willingness to be real…you are clearly an amazing person with many gifts to share with the world. It would be a shame not to share… Thinking of you!
Shawn K.
Oh girl!! 3 words. Be my neighbour! Seriously, move to Canada and we’ll be the bestest, most trustworthy friends, ever. Promise!
I’m with Charlene.. come here to Canada!!! But if you can’t, then I’ll just send my prayers for peace to you!!
Walls? Absolutely!
And is it worth it to drop the walls? I guess we can’t know until we drop them… that’s the hard part… leaving yourself prone.
{{{hugs}}} Kimberly, and prayers for healing and breaking down of walls–and for restoration and peace! I look so forward to reading your posts, because many times you can say what I am feeling, but can’t put into words!
thinking of you and hoping that you get what you need. and soon! keep the faith, you are right where you are supposed to be. xoxo