We knew we (and much more specifically, our child) would enter a world of comments and commentary. But we’re just babysteps into the process and already we’re hearing things that give us pause. None of these are unexpected things, but for some reason the reality of hearing someone say something you knew people would one day say is much harder than thinking about someone potentially saying it to you.
I’m going to share a few of these things here because it helps me to get it “out” and I hope others can in some way benefit from this. I know, I know, I know –internally– that in China, adoption is not seen the same as it is in the US and that there are bucketloads of misinformation. I am attempting to repeat that to myself over and over in these situations so that I don’t feel upset with my Chinese friends when these comments are made.
We are extremely fortunate that our “western” expat community is very adoption-wise and filled with families completed through adoption. It seems like we have more western friends -with- an adopted child than -without-. But our Korean and Chinese communities are not the same and I have to be mentally prepared for that.
I’ve been sharing with people about our adoption plans. I had a conversation with our ayi that left me literally speechless. I know she has a very tender heart and is a kind woman, and yet these words just left me in shock.
I was telling her about our desire to adopt and she admonished me to make sure that we “picked” a child that didn’t have a visible special need. She said heart problems are okay because no one can see them, but a cleft lip or missing digits would not be okay. I responded that a couple missing fingers is something a child can easily adapt to in life, but a heart problem can be very severe, but she said “but you can’t see the heart problem”. Of course, I also advocate for kids with heart conditions to be adopted, but not at the expense of avoiding children with visible conditions.
She also asked me if we were open to a child that already has parents. I questioned what she meant and she explained that she has friends who don’t have very much money who would sell me their daughter. I didn’t even know what to say. #1. That’s not how adoption works. #2. You don’t BUY children from people. And of course a dozen other things I can’t properly verbalize.
When we had settled with certainty on Ethiopia for our adoption, I shared that info with her. She asked if our son or daughter will have dark skin. I nodded yes. She shook her head and made a “tsk tsk” cluck with her tongue. After a minute she responded “Dark skin is bad, but it is good that they will be a fast runner.” Gulp.
I’m completely aware with the Asian obsession with white skin. I get it. I know that I can’t be too harsh in my judgment of any desire for white skin (whitening creams, etc… included) because I love when my skin gets any hint of a tan. So it would be hypocritical of me to say anything about whiteners.
But there’s a difference between desiring to lighten your own skin and thinking poorly of others with darker skin than your own. And I am completely aware of this and yet completely ill-prepared for the comments that will come about this topic. It is naive to think we can change anyone’s opinion. But we have to have ready answers that affirm our child’s beauty and self-worth.
Oh, and by the way, yes, there are some fantastically fast Ethiopian runners. But our child may or may not be a fast runner. And we’re obviously okay with that. And we have no expectations of “black child = athlete”. I realize I didn’t touch on that one earlier, but I was stuck on the first half of the comment above! I know that this is a common belief here, though, as my old ayi told me that China wouldn’t win many medals in the Olympics in track and field because they didn’t have any black people on their team.
Balancing cultural sensitivity to both our child & our current-home-country will be a unique challenge. These first glimpses are probably just a tiny tiny drop in the bucket compared to things we will hear after we bring our child home.
P.S. I hate saying “our child” because our son or our daughter would feel more intimate to me, and our child feels very detached, but we really have no idea what gender of child we will be referred. That’s just my disclaimer! 
